Welcome to our series, My Miscarriage Story, where we share the vulnerable and honest experiences of influential women and families who have endured pregnancy loss. Our goal is to create a supportive space for those who have faced similar challenges and to bring awareness to the emotional and physical journeys that accompany such losses.
This week, we are featuring Jenny Winters, a dedicated realtor, loving mom, and soon-to-be mother of three. You can find her on Instagram @jennymwinters. Jenny bravely opens up about her journey from eagerly starting a family with her husband, a former NFL player, to facing the heart-wrenching reality of multiple miscarriages.
Throughout her story, Jenny emphasizes the importance of allowing oneself to grieve and lean on loved ones for support. She advocates for open conversations about pregnancy loss and the need for understanding and empathy from friends and family. Jenny’s journey, marked by pain and resilience, serves as a testament to the strength required to navigate the complex emotions surrounding miscarriage and the profound impact it has on one’s perspective on pregnancy and motherhood.
Miscarriage Movement: In your own words, share your miscarriage journey.
Jenny Winters: Almost as soon as my husband and I met, we started talking about how we wanted kids immediately after we got married. My husband was playing in the NFL at the time—a career that, if you’re really lucky, only lasts a few years. We really wanted our kids to see him play, so we wanted to start a family as soon as we could.
We got married in July 2017 and I was pregnant by September. We were thrilled and couldn’t believe how fast it happened for us. At my 6-week ultrasound everything looked great: heartbeat was healthy and baby was growing just as it should have been.
But, when I want back for another appointment around 9.5 weeks, they couldn’t find a heartbeat.
Most of the time, once the pregnancy is removed, everything is fine… but in some cases, it can cause cancer. To look out for the possibility of cancer, the doctor draws blood every week until your pregnancy hormone returns to 0. Mine didn’t. It took months—I think it was seven months in total of it remaining the same and then it started going up again.
My doctors decided it was time for me to get a series of low-dose chemotherapy shots (methotrexate) to kill off the remaining cells. Once I was administered the final dose and my numbers returned to zero, we had to wait three months to try again.
I was an emotional mess. The emotions of losing a baby that I wanted so badly combined with the fear of the C word was way too much for my 26-year-old self to handle.
I cried at every single diaper commercial I saw. I avoided baby showers. Seeing a pregnant person at the grocery store would send me into a spiral. I couldn’t wait to try again.
After everything we went through, I just knew I’d get pregnant quickly—and it wouldn’t be healthy. But it wasn’t quick: it took us nearly eight months of trying and tracking and testing and finally we got pregnant with our sweet rainbow baby, Nash, who is now almost 5-years old.
When Nash was a year old, my husband had just signed with a new team, The Buffalo Bills. So I packed up our new jersey home and off we went. A new state, a new home, a new team and a pretty new baby.
We knew we wanted more kids but definitely wanted to wait awhile. Much to our surprise, in December of that year, I was running on the treadmill and, just like you see in the movies, had to jump off as fast as I could before I threw up everywhere. I immediately knew, I was pregnant.
I took a test and showed my husband. The first words out of his mouth were: “I bet it’s twins.”
The doctor saw me at six weeks due to the issues with my first miscarriage. They did the scan and said “Everything looks great. Baby has a great heartbeat.” I was so relieved and now, so excited. I said out loud “Thank GOD there’s only one. My husband said he thought it was twins.” And in that exact moment she moved the probe and said “Oh my gosh. there are two heartbeats in here.”
IT WAS TWINS.
I literally could not believe it. I was terrified—but also so excited. The excitement was short-lived though because soon after discovering that there were two, she said that one had a slightly lower heartbeat. She told me not to panic. She said in cases like these, either the heartbeats will even out, or at least one baby would like survive.
I went back for a scan a few weeks later, again—alone—to find out that neither baby had made it. I was so heartbroken. It was déjà vu. I couldn’t believe it was happening again. Only this time, I was losing two babies.
After miscarrying the twins, we knew that mentally and physically, I needed a break before trying again. We chose to just enjoy our son for a while and really soak in the time of just us and him.
So, about seven months later, we decided it was time and luckily, I got pregnant right away… but the ease with which I got pregnant didn’t take away all the anxiety I felt.
I had two miscarriages at this point—losing three babies in total. I knew what it had done to me physically and emotionally so I was terrified it would happen again. I demanded my OB see me at six weeks and made sure she knew of my history up front. She was great and was always willing to answer my calls—even the crazy ones.
Nine months later, our sweet Navy was born and she was worth every ounce of anxiety. She has been the easiest, happiest baby since the day she was born.
I swore I was done after Nash and Navy: God had blessed me with a healthy boy and girl and I felt so lucky to have them. My husband and I had always wanted 5 kids and we felt with Nash and Navy and our three babies we had lost, we had 5. But as Navy started looking more like a toddler and less like a baby, I felt a very strong pull to try to have another.
My husband and I had spoken about it briefly but decided we’d wait a few months to start trying. Well… God works in mysterious ways because that month we took a solo trip to Miami and wouldn’t you know it… three weeks later I was violently nauseous and pregnant with our sweet number three.
I have miscarried, I have had it take months and months to conceive but I have also gotten pregnant quickly and been very blessed with healthy pregnancies. No matter what, though, the pain of a miscarriage stays with you always. If I have 100 healthy pregnancies, the pain of my losses will always be with me. The anxiety that exists for me now can’t be taken away. It will always be there… and so will the love I have for my three little angels.
How did you feel emotionally and physically when you first learned about the miscarriage?
Emotionally, my miscarriages wrecked me. I’m not sure why, but the first more than the second. Maybe because with the first, I hadn’t even considered the possibility of a miscarriage. With the second, I was almost prepared for it. But either way, I was a mess for months following both of them.
I was angry and sad and frustrated. I was just a big giant, messy mix of emotions.
And physically, I was in pain. After my second miscarriage, I had chosen to pass them naturally. I ended up having to have two D&Cs after my first miscarriage, and I just didn’t want my body to have to go through that again. Trying to pass the twins was some of the worst physical and emotional pain I have ever felt.
If you’ve ever passed a 10-week fetus naturally, you know what I mean. I would cramp so bad I thought I was going to die and then I’d feel the pregnancy tissue leave my body.
It was a few hours until everything had passed. But a few months later, I was still in so much pain that I couldn’t stand up. Turns out, I had remaining tissue in my body all that time. So I was given a very strong course of antibiotics and ended up needing a third D&C anyway.
What kind of support system did you have in place, and how did it help you through this difficult time?
My husband was great through it all and definitely my rock. My emotions made me crazy at times. I didn’t know how to feel. I was nearly always crying and if i wasn’t, I was just plain mean and angry. He never once made me feel like I needed to just get over it. He let me feel every single thing I was feeling and he was always validated my feelings.
How did you cope with the loss in the days and weeks following the miscarriage?
I cried. A lot. And that’s something I tell everyone who asks how I dealt after the miscarriages. I truly allowed myself to feel everything. I let myself wallow in it for a while and really be sad. It’s horrible.
Nothing makes a miscarriage easier.
No amount of talking it out or positive thinking. Nothing. You just have to let yourself be in the moment and mourn. It’s a loss, and a big one at that.
Did you face any challenges discussing your miscarriage with your partner, your family, friends, or colleagues?
Personally, I’ve always been an open book. I’ll meet you on the street five minutes prior and I’ll tell you every bit of my life’s story. So, for me, there was really never an issue sharing my story. But ever since the miscarriages, I’ve made it a point to never, ever ask any newly (or even veteran) married couple when they’re having kids. Everyone asked us that question when we were going through months and months of the partial molar pregnancy and I vowed to never ask anyone that question.
How has this experience affected your perspective on pregnancy and motherhood?
I’m not someone who loves being pregnant. I love the babies I get out of it but the act of being pregnant itself has never been something I’ve loved. But experiencing two miscarriages has really, really made me so grateful for a healthy pregnancy. It’s given me an appreciation for just how incredible the miracle of life is. To be able to grow a human inside of your belly is the most special, incredible blessing on earth.
How can friends and family best support someone who has experienced a miscarriage?
I would say, If you have a friend going through a miscarriage, just be there. Let her cry and let her mourn. Don’t try to overload her with positivity or statistics. Just let her cry and vent and yell about how unfair it all is. Be a safe space for her vulnerability. Because, unless you’ve been there yourself, you really can’t begin to understand how awful a pain it is.
What steps have you taken towards healing and moving forward after your loss?
After my first loss, I went to months of therapy and got on medicine. I jumped back into working out harder than I ever had. I tried to focus on making myself and my body as healthy a space as I could for my next pregnancy and that was a good way for me to focus my sadness into something positive.
Now, I’m just so thankful for my two kids and a third one in my belly. I often think of the babies I lost… all three of them. I’m still sad thinking of who they would have been or what they would have done. But, I like to remind myself that there is always a plan and without those losses, I wouldn’t have the babies I have now.
What advice would you give to someone who is currently going through a miscarriage?
Be in the moment. Let yourself mourn the loss of the baby that was or that could have been. Feel every single feeling. Rely on those who love you to help you through the difficult days. Time doesn’t heal it, but it does make it much easier.
