My love language is receiving gifts, however, on my 31st birthday, I felt so much gratitude that I told my husband, “I have everything I ever wanted, no gifts necessary.” In that last year, we had just had our first baby, I had left my corporate law job to start my own business and we moved into a new apartment with the most magical view.
When my son turned one, my husband and I decided to try for baby number two. Because I had an emergency c-section with my son, my OB suggested waiting a year to try for another. A couple of months into trying, I took a pregnancy test and was elated to see two lines staring back at me. I couldn’t wait for the planning, the anticipation—even the nausea and all the emotions that take shape when you find out you’re expecting. To say I felt ready is an understatement—I was exhilarated.
I was heading to New Jersey to spend a few weeks at my parents’ house, so I wanted to make sure I saw my doctor before I left to make sure everything was going smoothly. I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant. My appointment was unusually quiet, we couldn’t hear a heartbeat or see much. No one seemed very alarmed, and the doctor recommended I do some blood work in a week. Nonetheless, I was not very concerned; I was naive to the possibility of anything being wrong since it didn’t take long for me to get pregnant with my son and it was a rather straightforward pregnancy. I couldn’t wait to share the news with my family.
A couple of weeks later, after too many sleepless nights on the bathroom floor with severe nausea, my doctor called and advised me to get an ultrasound after reading the results from my blood test. My hCG levels were not rising as quickly as they should have been.
Walking into the appointment at about 12 weeks, with a lovely OB/GYN who wasn’t mine, I had no idea what to expect. A minute into a silent ultrasound, the doctor explained that I had what’s called a “blighted ovum,” which the doctor eloquently explained is a type of miscarriage that occurs when a fertilized egg does not develop into an embryo, but still makes pregnancy hormones. She gave me three options: to let it pass on its own, take the abortion pill or get a D&C (dilatation and curettage).
I sat there in shock. A cascade of questions came over me: Did I run too hard at the gym? Did I not take the right prenatal vitamins? Was I too stressed with work? Did I vomit too much?
Lost in a sea of self pity, I quickly consulted my OB back home in Miami. He assured me that somewhere around 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. This statistic was strangely comforting. He also helped me come to the decision that the D&C would be the best option for me. Not only did I not want to be nauseous for one more minute, but I knew I wanted to resolve it quickly. I also didn’t want to feel (or see) anything so I knew the pill was not a great option.
Miscarriage affects every person differently. I felt a mix of sadness, guilt, anger and a sense of loss, and, as an entrepreneur, these emotions were compounded by the stress and demands of running a business. I founded TAJA Collection back in 2017, a direct-to-consumer home-accessories brand that specializes in personalized, non-toxic candles. When I started TAJA, the concept behind the brand was thoughtful gifting, and I knew that my candles had to be non-toxic. I knew I’d eventually want to start a family and that the endocrine-disrupting fragrances out there could potentially get in the way—not just for me, but for others as well.
As a former attorney at a big law firm, I was prepared for the workload of owning a business, but I wasn’t prepared for how to, or even, if I should, communicate my loss with my team. I was too embarrassed. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell my close friends and family. I felt like something was wrong with me. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t stay pregnant. I felt like a deflated balloon and I had nothing left.
After the D&C, and a couple of months of silent suffering, my husband and I decided to try again. In a rush to get pregnant, I bought all of the things—at-home urine test kits, basal thermometer and lifetime supply of prenatal vitamins. Luckily, just four months after my miscarriage, I was pregnant again.
I felt anxious and worried but also excited and relieved. I called my OB and made my eight-week appointment. I told my close friends and family. I started to plan and distance myself from my miscarriage. But, just shy of week eight, I miscarried again—this time at home. I was devastated, angry and embarrassed.
Now I thought: something must be wrong with me.
Adding to the stress of a miscarriage, my business lost its biggest order ever due to the pandemic shutdown. The purchase order was not only the largest volume order we had ever received, it was from a big-box retailer who could change the landscape for me and my business. We had already gone into production on the order and, a couple of weeks before we had to deliver the goods, the sales representative reached out and explained that they had to shut down all of their stores and were forced to cancel all pending purchase orders. Mine included. I questioned whether or not the business could recover.
But, like pregnancy and miscarriage, this was out of my control and I had to just accept it. It was a massive disappointment, and extremely stressful because I had purchased thousands of dollars of materials and supplies. I felt hopeless. It felt like the dominos were all coming down. I didn’t know how everything started or why this was happening, I just felt the world around me unraveling.
One of the most challenging aspects of miscarriage is the silence that surrounds it. I would see friends at the gym and get asked “when is baby number two?” too often. I was so ashamed to explain I had miscarried, not once, but twice. I would hold back tears, nod and smile, and say “soon!” I constantly felt pressured to maintain a façade of professionalism, even though I was experiencing personal pain. I did not want to be seen as the failure I thought I was.
On the flip side, one of the most empowering steps in the journey of healing from a miscarriage for me was breaking the silence. When friends at the gym would ask when we were planning on having a baby, I started telling the truth. I had no more energy to play it off or pretend like nothing happened. I explained that I had two miscarriages and was taking a break from trying. My open response was usually met with awkward silence, but every time I said it out loud, I felt more free. Free from the burden of the stress of holding onto this “secret.”
The more open I was, the more others shared their stories and experiences. I felt less ashamed, and less alone. I began carving out more much-needed time for myself—at work and at home.
Building a business and self-care are mutually exclusive. However, one of the best coping mechanisms for me during this dark time was prioritizing self-care and asking for help. I downloaded Headspace and began to meditate. I had an executive coach who helped me through this time. She went above and beyond, she introduced me to “tapping”—a type of therapy where you tap on points in your body to restore balance. I also started to take magnesium before bed to help ease my mind. Tapping and breath work helped tremendously and I still use a lot of the tools I learned to cope with anxiety and stress. At work, I began to delegate more responsibilities to alleviate some of the pressure and gain more focus. I also created lengthy to-do lists and felt utter satisfaction crossing things off of the list.
Working out and staying active have always been a big part of my life. I pushed myself to get up and move, even just for a walk (preferably on the beach). One of the biggest benefits of living in Miami is the ocean, which has always been therapeutic for me. As much as possible, I carved out thirty minutes just to ground in the sand and breathe in the ocean breeze.
There was no single thing that helped me, rather, it was a combination of everything.
Despite taking many steps to move forward, after two back-to-back losses I was too scared to try to get pregnant again. I threw away all of my ovulation tests and took a break. Ironically, a few months after not trying to try, I became pregnant with my daughter. I was paranoid for all of my pregnancy and told very few people. Every time I went to the bathroom, I checked to make sure I didn’t miscarry. I frequented the OB for extra ultrasounds to ensure everything was alright. It was not an easy nine months, but my dream girl was on the other side.
I was able to recover from the financial loss at work and my business is now thriving. Work became an outlet for me and also became a more compassionate leader. The path was undeniably tough, but it made me and my business stronger.
