If you’re navigating infertility, it can often feel like one of the most isolating experiences you’ll ever face. Your friends may try to be there for you—but if they’ve never tried or struggled to conceive, it may be challenging to relate to one another. And while your family can be supportive, unless they’ve been through your same journey, you may find their advice half-hearted and well, empty-feeling.
“Many infertility patients don’t share with people they’re going through this, and that can be because of shame, they want to keep it quiet, or even both,” Alice Domar, PhD, health psychologist and chief compassion officer at inception fertility, said. “The upside is you get a lot of privacy and no unsolicited advice. But the downside is that you feel alone—and loneliness is a major emotional challenge of fertility treatment.”
That’s where finding your fertility mom village comes in. This village is not just a group of people, they are an entire network of understanding, support and listening ears that want to help you through this emotional journey. Having a support system like a fertility mom village will help you navigate through all of the highs and lows of fertility. They’ll hype you up when you’re nervous or excited, and they’ll be by your side during the anxious or disappointing moments.
Here, we explore what makes up a fertility mom village, how to find your fertility mom village, and how to nurture the relationships in your support system.
- Understanding the Need for a Support System
- Finding Your Fertility Mom Village
- Nurturing Your Fertility Mom Village
Understanding the Need for a Support System
Fertility treatment is an incredibly demanding journey, physically and emotionally (and for many, financially, too). Physically, you’re going to countless medical appointments, having invasive procedures, like in vitro fertilization or intrauterine insemination, getting your blood drawn and experiencing the taxing effects of it all on your body. “Physically, it is taxing. Your body doesn’t feel like yours, it is going through daily changes and being poked and prodded,” Jessica Formicola, psychotherapist and Emmy-nominated food judge, said.
“For us, it also significantly impacted our intimate relationship. Your body starts to feel like it is just a vessel for making babies, not your own, and it’s hard to feel like you want to be touched intimately.”
Beyond the physical challenges, the emotional side can prove even more difficult. You might feel isolated or that no one understands what you’re going through. Domar explains that many women often experience depression or feelings of shame, anger, guilt, anxiety, frustration and isolation. You might even feel envious of other people’s pregnancies.
So, how do you manage it all? Finding your fertility mom village and a network of support and people who understand what you are going through can make all the difference. They provide the safe space to feel and express whatever you need, whenever you need it.
“When you share your infertility with others who are going through the same experience, you actually normalize it, feel less alone and minimize the guilt that often comes with an infertility diagnosis,” Domar said. “You come to realize your feelings are actually very normal. There are major benefits to being with other women who ‘get it,’ like sharing experiences and learning new coping skills.”
Building Your Fertility Mom Village
Knowing you need support and then knowing where to go to find it are two very different tasks. Many women feel overwhelmed—and rightfully so—to make new friendships while already going through a challenging journey. We’re here to help. Here are some different ways you can start to build your own fertility mom village.
Online Communities
If no one in your family or close friends is going through the process of fertility treatments, you might find the best comfort in online communities. These online communities can provide you with a safe and comforting space to share your experience, ask for advice, ask questions and get the emotional support you need. It also allows you to open up when you want to and take things at your own pace. You can even get comfort from just reading other people’s stories before sharing your own. Here are some popular fertility forums and social media groups to help you in finding your fertility mom village:
Local Support Groups
If you like face-to-face interactions, in-person support groups can give you that physical presence you crave. When you meet with others face-to-face, you can gain more personal connections and even build friendships that last beyond your fertility journey. You can always start with a simple Google search to find local support groups. Research and find the groups near you. You can always try a few out to see where you best fit.
Healthcare Provider Networks
Fertility clinics play a huge role in helping patients find your fertility mom village. Often, your clinic will have its own support groups that you can participate in. Alternatively, they can refer you to trusted networks their patients have used. These groups can provide you with emotional motherhood support, and they’re often led by experts who can give you trusted advice and tips.
Personal Connections
Lastly, you can always lean on your personal network of friends, family and acquaintances. While they may not be able to fully grasp what you are going through, they love you and want to help in any way they can. Whether that’s driving you to your appointments or just sitting with you. But remember, just because they haven’t been through what you have, don’t feel scared to be honest with them.
“Honest communication about fertility struggles is crucial both for personal healing and for breaking the stigma that surrounds these experiences. When I experienced pregnancy loss, I kept it all to myself, which only deepened my suffering,” Samantha Diamond, co-founder & CEO of Bird&Be, said. “I felt isolated, lost my joy and struggled with the feeling of being out of control. By sharing openly, we create spaces for validation, reduce feelings of isolation, and offer others a chance to learn from our experiences. Whether it’s spotting red flags earlier or involving partners more fully, honest conversations can change the way we navigate fertility struggles.”
Nurturing Your Fertility Mom Village
Just like any relationship, after finding your fertility mom village, you have to nurture your fertility mom village to build deep, meaningful connections. Here’s how to get the most out of your network
Active Participation
To really benefit from your fertility mom village, it is so important to be an active member. Try to not only come to your motherhood support network when you need help, but come to offer support to others as well. Being active in other people’s journeys can also help you grow your connections. Try attending meetings regularly, engaging in discussions, and even reaching out to people outside of the set meeting time. Whether it is grabbing a quick coffee with someone or just sending them a sweet message on the day of their treatment or a test, it can go a long way.
Setting Boundaries
While you want to be close to your support network, you should also ensure you’re setting boundaries to take care of yourself. “Fertility treatment often comes with loss, which is another experience and range of emotions in itself. Our family was so excited every time we got an initial positive result and would overreact. Someone ordered me flowers and by the time they were actually delivered, we had already been told it wasn’t a viable pregnancy,” Formicola said. “I kindly asked that no one celebrate too early on future pregnancies and was also honest that we wouldn’t be sharing the initial results until we are at 12 weeks from then on. We had four more miscarriages after that, so it was a good choice.” Don’t feel guilt about putting yourself first and knowing when to speak up and set a boundary.
Having motherhood support on your fertility journey with your very own fertility mom village can give you strength, comfort and understanding as you navigate the highs and lows of infertility. The best way to start finding your fertility mom village is to start by just putting yourself out there. Whether with your family, friends, or an online or in-person support group, just taking that first step and getting out there is key. Remember to be active in your network and set boundaries when needed.
There’s always hope for you, and with the right support, you can go through your own fertility journey one step at a time.
