It’s completely normal to feel anxious after a miscarriage when facing another pregnancy. You may be nervous about experiencing another loss, especially if your loss was painful physically, in addition to mentally and emotionally. Additionally, the physical sensations of pregnancy, such as morning sickness or fatigue, can evoke memories of the previous pregnancy, triggering emotional responses.
Uncertainty also plays a major role. Pregnancy itself is a time of anticipation and unknowns, but after a miscarriage, these unknowns can be magnified. Questions about whether the body can carry a pregnancy to term, or if the same circumstances will occur again, can create a constant state of worry. It’s essential to remember that while these feelings are valid and common, seeking support and professional guidance can help manage anxiety and increase the chances of a positive outcome
Luckily, there are ways to decrease anxiety and get support and comfort throughout this journey. Right now it can feel like there are so many things outside your control, which can make it feel overwhelming to even know where to start to seek support and navigate through the complicated emotions that arise.
As a Clinical Psychologist and someone who has gone through this personally, I’ve developed some tools that can help make a difficult time a little more gentle. Here are some that I’ve used and I’ve encouraged clients to use to help support themselves through the anxiety of a pregnancy after a miscarriage.
How to cope with anxiety after miscarriage
This section will provide guidance and support as you manage your pregnancy while coping with the aftermath of loss.
Protect your mind
There is a natural human tendency to seek information as an attempt to assuage anxiety. But, with the internet overloading us with worst-case medical scenarios, other people’s personal stories and a myriad of unvetted information, you can quickly fall down a rabbit hole that leads to increased anxiety. It is important to remember that the internet tends to skew information towards the negative—and those in the midst of multiple losses are more likely to post their experiences than those who are busy with a new baby. It isn’t intentional or malicious, but it is just the way things tend to go. Therefore, personal accounts, be it Reddit or another type of community forum, as well asworst-case scenarios can increase your anxiety and fill your mind with terrible what-ifs.
It’s important that you try your best to protect your mind and avoid falling down a rabbit hole. When possible, limit online exposures and instead seek out Information where there’s actual human connection, whether that’s with your medical professional, a friend or a therapist. Notice how you feel when you read different sites, and avoid those that increase rather than decrease your anxious feelings.
Choose your support team wisely
After a miscarriage, it’s natural to hesitate about sharing a subsequent pregnancy. Society has a history of blaming women rather than supporting them, even in the face of such a natural occurrence such as a pregnancy loss. Despite knowing deep down that we’re not to blame, many women internalize feelings of shame after a miscarriage. These lingering emotions can influence decisions about sharing a subsequent pregnancy. But not sharing with trusted loved ones deprives you of support and love that will help comfort you during anxious moments.
The key is knowing who to trust—and trusting the right people who provide the kind of support you actually need when overcoming loss.It is important that you only share with people you know will be supportive and can be trusted to say helpful things rather than triggering or anxiety provoking things.
Make a list of core support group people and let them know you are not sharing this information with others outside of them, so they will guard your confidentiality and not inadvertently share with those you don’t want to share with during a time when you are feeling vulnerable. Clearly communicate your specific needs and preferences to this group. While well-intentioned, friends and family may not instinctively understand your unique requirements. Directly express your desires for support, empowering them to offer the care you truly need.
Focus on what you can control instead of what you cannot
Anxiety is most potent, and harmful, when we focus on all the things we can’t control. Unfortunately, when it comes to getting pregnant and maintaining a pregnancy, there are far more things that are not in your control than actually are, which can cause your head to spin and leave you feeling powerless. But, when we focus on what we can’t control, we don’t have the energy to focus on all the things we can and end up in a worse spot than if we hadn’t been anxious in the first place.
The exercise is based on the Serenity Prayer which is such a powerful tool for those in addiction recovery. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write at the top “Can’t Control—Surrender” then write below that the things you can’t control that are taking space in your mind right now. Then on the other side, write at the top “Can Control—Courage” and write the things you can control. If you can link those together, then it is even more powerful. For example, for every one thing you can’t control, you may think of at least a few things you can control in that situation. Then once you’ve written it all out, sit for a few moments and meditate on surrendering those things you can’t control. Let yourself feel the feelings related to those things and then say, “I surrender what I cannot control.” It doesn’t have to be easy and part of the process is expressing how you feel about those things.
Feel the feelings and release those things as many times as you need to. Honor yourself by acknowledging that you have feelings about what you cannot control and making space to express those feelings. Then after you’ve surrendered those things, look at those things you can control and make them your focus for the day. As the name of the prayer suggests, you will feel more serenity as a result.
Hold your feelings in one hand and your thoughts in another
You may be having many strong and conflicting feelings right now and struggling with how to feel and process them. Repressing feelings doesn’t work and often can fuel anxiety. But, our emotions aren’t always based on fact, either, and if we base our actions on only our emotions without letting our thoughts weigh in, we can end up feeling overwhelmed and trapped in our own emotional pain or fear. Think of emotions and thoughts as two reins we use to steer the wagon of our decisions and actions. You need to have one reign in each hand and to be able to hold both to make the wisest decisions possible for yourself.
When you feel a strong emotion, resist the urge to push it down, talk yourself out of it, or to let it take you to a dark place. For example, if you feel a sense of fear, but you know that it is based on something that happened yet. Imagine holding the fear in one hand and feeling it. Then with the other hand imagine your thoughts speaking comfort and facts to yourself. Then you can feel the fear and let it pass through you, while feeling anchored in the facts of the “now.” Most anxiety is based on predictions of the future, not our current reality. Feelings have a chemical reaction in your body that lasts only a few minutes so if you allow yourself to feel the feeling, breathe through it, and don’t tell yourself scary stories about an unknown future, it will pass.
Allow yourself to grieve fully
Pressuring yourself to feel healed quickly can add unnecessary stress to a new pregnancy. Unresolved grief can resurface later, often unexpectedly, so allow yourself time to process your loss fully. This journey is unique for everyone, so find what works best for you: support groups, therapy, or spiritual practices can all be helpful. Prioritize self-care and support during this healing process.
There is no “right” way to navigate this journey and every woman is unique in herself and her circumstances, but we all need love, support, and comfort when we’ve experienced loss. So, please take some space and time to show up for yourself in this journey and get the support you need to walk a tough road. Human beings are built to do hard things, but we are not built to do them alone. So, be sure to get lots of support from trusted people in your life. It will make a hard thing not nearly so hard or lonely.
